Who would play you in the movie of your life?

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

It all started as a game – long before Oscar came to town to provide a new form of entertainment and add to the reality TV scene. And yes, I mean entertainment and reality TV because that is what it is. I know the more intelligent of you reading this at present will be saying: No, it is our right to know etc etc. To Carte Blanche or M-Net, I can imagine how the meetings went before the decision was made…and believe me, the whole “the people have a right to know” is only a small part of it.

And now that we do know, just how many “my ladies”, I wonder, are out there who have already sealed Oscar’s fate?
Be that as it may, I am not here to talk about that. On the contrary, I want to turn our attention to the future: to the making of the movie of this spectacle. You do agree that there is going to be a movie, right? Only time will tell…

Now, back to my first statement: it all started as a game. Way back when, and even now, sometimes, I would ask people if they ever thought about their lives as a movie. And, if so, who do they think would best play them? As in, if they had to cast anyone to play them in the movie of their life, who would they choose if they had the pick of the crop? I remember asking Jeannie D that question many moons ago when we were still acquainted and she emphatically, without so much as a blink, said: “Aishwarya Rai”. And, as much as we are wholly in narcissistic territory of the highest calibrations (sic), I can totally see the resemblance…

So, who would play you in the movie of your life? Think about it. I have my person waiting in the wings to go on set…it is so definitely Eric Stonestreet from ‘Modern Family’ fame. Who is he? He is the adorable Cameron, of course. Or, if I were to go local, it would have to be Terence Bridgett. I am often stopped in malls and asked about my stint on ‘7de Laan’ as Jerome. I once was forced to take a picture with a woman at the KKNK simply because she refused to believe that I was not him! And get this: Terence knows about it. We joke about it when we, on occasion, bump into each other. Jamie Bartlett is another candidate to play me. He jokes about how a woman had a conversation with him and at the end of it said: “It was so nice to see you again, Rafiek!” But, enough about me.

Who would be cast in the courtroom drama of the Oscar Pistorius trial? I asked a few friends and some came up with ridiculous propositions: one even said Yoda of ‘Star Wars’ fame should be cast as “My Lady.” How rude! And shame on me for even going to print with it! I think Whoopi Goldberg would be perfect! Or, perhaps someone local? But then again, don’t yet discard Meryl Streep with make-up as a possibility. She could pull off that Rabi, remember, in a film the name of which escapes me. ‘Angels in America’, perhaps?
A good friend and I were texting a few days ago with casting possibilities. Ones far more probable than Oscar’s testimony, I can assure you!
She suggested Chuck Norris as Gerrie Nel. I thought perhaps good ol’ Arnie Schwarzenegger? In the role of Barry Roux: She thought maybe Sylvester Stallone could be a possibility as he “has the muscle but ends up bumbling all over the place”.

She also suggested the pair of Kevin Spacey and Harvey Keitel as the sparring barristers…? Again, Ms Streep might be a possibility? We thought Linda Evans (who dat, you may very well ask?). Remember the matriarch in ‘Dynasty’ In the role of Reeva’s mom? And what about Charlize, I asked? She would never forgive us for not casting her. My friend suggested she plays the aunt that sits with Mrs Steenkamp.
I don’t think Charlize would be too pleased with us. She would at least want a speaking role! The theme song: Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Tell Me Lies, tell me sweet little lies.” Then there was the difficult task of casting the two leads: Oscar and Reeva.

For the latter, Reece Witherspoon was fingered (I know…couldn’t resist!). So was Scarlett Johansson. Perhaps a local actress? With Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio now too old, in the title role, we thought of this short list: Ryan Gosling, Casey Affleck, Edward Norton (also too old?) and Ashton Kutcher. And then came a very late entry: Jean-Claude Van Damme. What do you think? Do you even give a Jean-Claude van Damme?

Email: rafiek@mweb.co.za