By Carla Lever
Dating. What a painful concept. Frankly, I’m not sure why people do it, but apparently humans have a seemingly endless aptitude for creating misery for themselves and good stories for their friends.
Speaking of which, a couple of friends of mine have recently made the foray into online dating with predictably mixed – but, let it be known, generally positive – results. Personally, I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly with a pencil than arrange to meet people based only on a picture they once took of themselves on a good hair day, but then I’m cynical – which rhymes with single – like that.
Still, the theory of online dating has always struck me as a rather time efficient method of practicing the art of mate choosing: presuming nobody is an outrageous liar, you literally get to tick the boxes you want. A tempting thought, I’m sure we all agree.
Imagine my amusement, then, when I saw the latest targeted advert on my Facebook page. Usually I’m entreated to lose belly fat (impertinent), meet faithful Christian men (bizarre) or become an egg donor (back off, Zuckerberg).
This latest advert was something quite different, though: online dating solely for tall people. Yes! The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this website was clearly a forward-thinking, truly revolutionary site that catered to the higher things in life. Or, at the very least, those seeking them.
Well, let me tell you I wasted no time with it. I immediately set about creating my faux profile (handle ‘noshorties’, real name ‘Liz’) and started feverishly searching their database, convinced that the only thing standing between me and my 6″4 Adonis was my intermittent 3G signal.
Let us peruse my choices.
Simon at just 5″11 is, clearly, way out of his depth here. Still, he does rather intriguingly state that he’s looking for “women with fire get up & go.” One has surely to assume the absence of a comma, not rejection this early in the game.
Dark_Knight, 28, looks a distinctly better bet at 6″6. He casually drops in his “villa in San Tropez,” but things start to go south with a tribute to Josh Groban and an opening confession that he is “rather like Jekyll and Hyde, but in a good way.”
Suspicions are confirmed when he lists under ‘children’ every single one of the auto-responses, namely “No; No, but I want children; No, but happy with what I have; Yes, I have one child; Yes, and I want more children.”A busy man indeed.
Mikeypoos, 27 from London, struck an immediate chord with me with his direct “Hello, I’m here because I’m sick of shorties.” However, he also took a semi-nude picture of himself and – worse – neglected to notice that his backdrop was his (slightly grubby) toilet bowl, so that ruled him out.
Perhaps my favourite photograph, though, was that of a man in full Mad Hatter regalia, lying flat on a lawn. His profile was empty, bar the tagline: “Hello I am Carlison who lives on the roof.”
Well, now. Perhaps I was doing it wrong and omitting to hit the ‘omit all undateable people’ button.
Perhaps I’m just too fussy and Dark_Knight is actually delightful, despite his schizophrenia. What do you think about online dating? Is it not – here’s a thought – a sort of 21st century performance art? A virtual fancy dress party for adults, only trying on personas instead of party hats?
Is lasting happiness – or at least temporary relief from boredom – but one mouse click away?
Sadly, we’ll never know – my account was suspended less than a day after signing up. They tell me it was ‘of insufficient quality’ – harsh judgment, I feel, when they let Carlison slip through the cracks. So RIP noshorties. You had an ironically short existence for a very, very tall story.
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