TV, TV on the wall…what is the worst programme of ‘em all?

TV, TV on the wall…what is the worst programme of ‘em all?

I am not one of those must-watch-my-favourite-programme-on-TV kind of people.

In fact, these days I know very few such people – what with the downloading and load shedding (sorry, couldn’t resist) and sharing of hard drives (and viruses) and PVR’s and, and, and, going on, one can watch your favourite programmes even before they are aired in their country of origin. I often joke with my “supplier”, asking if season 19 of ‘Game of Thrones’ is available for download already, or perhaps season eight of ‘Modern Family’, knowing full well that these may only be in their second or third season.

It is a mere attempt at humour with my tongue in my cheek, as well as a pinch of snide on the whole downloading business – even if I am a more-than-contented recipient.It just seems as though everything is so freely available that it is not an unreasonable assumption to make that the season may not have been made yet for it to be available for download. Okay, I know…ridiculous. Scrap that.

But, seriously who has the time these days to sit and watch your favourite programme at the actual time that it screens? Who actually has favourite programmes these days, with all the hooey on our television screens? ‘7de Laan’ I know is quite popular. I don’t know anyone who actually watches it, but then again I don’t know anyone who is into bestiality either. Or, maybe I do, sorry. Bad analogy. I know at least three people who sleep with fat cows, and one of them with a pig. And, come to think of it, one of them has a very mousy partner. So, definitely scrap that also. Okay, so ‘7de Laan’ is not such a great example…but by now I am sure you get what I am trying to say, right?

The cooking channels are getting a little long in the tooth – pun and all. Or should I say pan and all? So, there is no real joy there any longer. What we generally try and do is to put on the “movie pot” (the external hard drive connected to a media player) and start watching seasons of stuff like ‘United Sates of Tara’, ‘Glee’, ‘Breaking Bad’, ‘Modern Family’ and ‘Parks & Recreation’. But, inevitably, before we go to the HDMI channel we flip through the television channels to see whether there is anything decent to watch. It was cool to watch the Grammy Awards for example, or an interesting ‘Masterchef’ finale and then there is ‘Come Dine With Me – South Africa’. Monday evening I think it was.

Four women. An interesting black woman, who was hands-down our favourite; an interesting white woman of Greek decent, who name-dropped in nearly every insert; another white woman who clearly subscribes to the Frank ‘n Furter school of thought: “Even smiling makes her face ache…”

And then, as insipid as the cherry on top of her poorly presented jelly-and-custard dessert – the token coloured wallflower who couldn’t string a decent sentence together, who didn’t know what a quiche was, pronouncing it as “kitch”. She doesn’t drink alcohol. She doesn’t eat pork (without having a very clear explanation as to why, simply because of “her religion”, she says). She also doesn’t eat mushrooms. She has, she declares, “never eaten one in her life”. How does she then know she doesn’t like ‘em? She couldn’t really contribute to conversations, and she looked like stupidity oozed out of every pore. Her husband doesn’t really encourage her to have opinions, she says, and she is happy with that…’nuf said!!!

I like the narrator/commentator – a Dave Lamb or something? He is the same person who narrates and comments on the British version of the show. O.M.G, I have just run out of space. I thought I would write an entire column about ‘Come Dine With Me – South Africa’. Next time, perhaps? Quiche you later…A quiche before midnight. Can I have this quiche forever? Quich, quiche bang, bang. Quiches in the Moonlight. Oh stop it!